Fri, 03/05/2010 - 00:47
Hello
I am maried since 15 years with my spouse and after the second crisis that just occured, and comparing with what happened before and looking back at all our life togehter, I realize that he is most probably bi-polar.
It came as a shock to me because last crisis he had it was 4 years, involving an affair with a yonger woman ago and I thought it was a mid life crisis.
I have been in therapy since to help me recover from this traumatic experience and my analyst is convainced that he has a deep personality disorder. Of course, I am not a doctor and he has never told me anything about this illness, but looking back I realized all the mental crisis patterns and reading a lot about it - I find all the symptoms similar to what I have experienced within these years.
I have tried to tell him to get medical help, but he refuse absolutely he always say that it is not " his fault" and I am responsible for the situation.
He is seeing a therapist as well sicne 4 years, but still he is very unstable mentally and since 2-3 weeks, I can see he is going down the spiral. At this point, I am experimenting all the symptoms, he has stopped all communication and he is reconnecting with his previous extra marital relationship. It was very disturbing at first because he was so energetic, I wasn't sure if he was depressed or overactive ??? Recently, he woudn't answer any question when I ask somethign simple, it felt like he didn't hear me.
I have tried everything, I don't know what to do to at least have him diagnose. I have the impression that he has been diagnose at some point in his life, and somehow he knows, but NEVER EVER told me anything about it. Instead, he has been blaming me for all the bad things I did to him and has been extremely manipulative.
Please share your experience, most of the blog I read talk about bi-polar spouse who do not take their treatment, but I haven't see recommendation for spouse who refuse to accept the illness and do not get treatment.
I am scared to see him like that, I don't know what to do.
Thank you for your support
Wed, 08/18/2010 - 19:25
#2
FWIW...
(Note that I am not anyone who is known for giving good advice... ...and my experience with bipolar was brief, confusing, and saddening... Seek advice from others as well... With that said - I'll throw in my own 2 cents worth...)
As for the medication... ...I have heard repeatedly that it works for some and leads them to lead a normal life - but for those who feel it prevents them from being "creative" - it is hard to keep them on it. You've made it sound that this is already a problem.
I was in a relationship where my ex- was fairly emotionally abusive to me.. I was led to believe that all the problems in the family were because of me - and I ended up in therapy to try to be a better spouse (as demanded by my ex)... My ex had cheated on me (was caught by the spouse of the other person)- and I did what I believed was right - and found forgiveness... At the same time, my ex was telling our daughter that she should've been aborted - because she was ruining our lives... So (without my knowledge - as my daughter thought I was in on it) my daughter's grades started dropping and she had behavioural problems - and my spouse forced her into therapy as well (..and talk about feeling guilty not figuring out what really happened for 6 years...).. ....and all the time - with us distracted - more affairs.. ...until my daughter discovered what was going on... ...and we were shocked... (...and because of "what a terrible person that I was" - my ex's apt was partially furnished by coworkers (who threw a party) - and was named person of the month at church for overcoming such adversity)).
So, my experience with dealing with emotional abuse for 15 years - leads me to believe that one shouldn't allow oneself to have to deal with that... Although devastated and shocked (and still hurt from time to time) - I must say that it wasn't many months after my ex- was gone that I felt relief when I realized that no one was constantly putting me down and being mean to me (and my daughter began to flourish in school and has been commended by multiple teachers as being mature and caring and compassionate).... I would never have expected a parent to say such mean things about their own child (in fact, in gathering evidence for the divorce - we discovered a case where my ex told a random sex partner that my daughter should've been aborted.) So don't believe for one second that the kids are garaunteed safe from the emotional abuse...
NOTE: My ex- was not bipolar (to my knowledge)... ...so I can't even begin to imagine adding another layer of complexity to the mix... Sometimes mean people are just flat out mean... ...and manipulative...
Draw what conclusions you want from my story - and realize that your child might not live in a state which is progressive enough to prevent the abusive parent from having any contact with the minor child in a divorce case (as I was lucky enough to experience). Now, I do realize that you - as the concerned parent - may have worded the question slanted enough to get the response that I am giving... ...So, again - draw your own conclusions...
Anyway, I do hope that whatever happens works out best for your daughter and your grandchildren. God Bless.
Mon, 06/07/2010 - 12:59
#3
I'M LEAVING HIS A**
I don't care if it is Bipolar. I've started having seizures over the stress of his stupid inconsiderate ignorance. I'm not petting his ass for one more second. My kids and I have lived through hell because he won't admit he has a problem. I've put up with it for 29 years. If I'm going down, then I'm going down happy!!!!! Run for your life....he'll destroy you from the inside out!!! And for the one who suggested compassion to help him get help.... HOW 'BOUT JUST GROW UP....EVER THINK OF THAT????
Tue, 05/04/2010 - 00:57
#4
OMG. I also believe my
OMG. I also believe my husband is bipolar. We have been married 23 years. About 10 years ago I noticed a change in him. He was angry, ignored me, said hurtful mean things. After a couple of days he would get over it. I put up with it because I have kids. It was almost like he had pms once a month. Then about 3 years ago, he really went over the deep end. He had an affair, moved out, connected with an old girlfriend from high school, lost 90 pounds in a matter of 3 months, was biking and working out daily. He then came back to earth, moved back in. Never did he take responsibility. Everything was my fault for making him do those things. No remorse. Of course I put up with it because I have kids.
Three years later....here we go again. He gained the 90 pounds at least back. He doesn't work out and hardly bikes. Once again everything in his world is my fault.
Last week, he got mad over something not having to do with me yet hasn't talked to me in a week. He lies, twists things around, makes things up, is a bully and sneaky. This time I am not chasing after him to talk to me and work things out. Screw him. He is coming around after a horrendous week and acts like everything is normal. After a week of treating me like shit he thinks everything is great. Not this time.
My husband was dx with hypothyroidism about 8 years ago. He is on 200mg of synthroid per day. I have read that hypo and bipolar are some how linked and that is why I am convinced he is bipolar. I begged him early in the week to go to the dr to have his meds checked or be checked for bipolar. He got furious. He said I was insulting him. It's all my fault that he gets ticked off.
Is this typical for bipolar? Also, he does not like responsibility. He likes to be the fun guy. Everybody thinks he is the life of the party. Then the door shuts and the real him comes out.
Thank you very much for having this support forum.
Sun, 04/04/2010 - 01:08
#5
I was once in denial
I can sympathize with your pain and concern. I wish my ex-spouse showed the same interest in me as your showing in your spouse. My first bit of advice that I can extend is, please do not take his action on as being your fault. This disease known as bipolar is comparable to a diabetic as long as there is intervention and treatment the disease is manageable and livable for both spouses but when treatment and intervention is neglected the results can be catastrophic and even fatal.
I went outside the marriage on my ex-spouse and I felt so out of control doing it. I knew it was wrong but I just couldn’t prevent it from happening. I’m telling you this because some people who suffer from bipolar also have what is known as hypersexuality. Hypersexuality unchecked can turn into addictions to porn or sex. I personally had an extremely over active sex drive when I was depressed and when I was manic. Sex made the pain subside so to speak. Sex made my ex-spouse leave me as well. She told me she could endure the one night stands but when I had affairs to where I become emotionally involved she just couldn’t deal with it. I completely understood and don’t blame her in the least. My only drawback from that marriage was her lack of compassion about bipolar being an actual disease and her not taking the time to become educated on it.
I sought help after the last extramarital affair. Once the affair was over I couldn’t bare the shame and guilt and started having suicidal thoughts. I found a psychiatrist that explained bipolar to me and helped me regulate it with a drug called seroquel and a few anti-depressants. I am off the anti-depressants but I’ll be on seroquel for the remainder of my life. I’ve remarried and haven’t once thought of cheating on my spouse. Although I still suffer from hypersexuality I now only want to experience sex with my spouse… as it should be. When I can’t I tend to get depressed but that’s another issue.
I want you to know if you want your husband to seek help you are going to have to do it with compassion. You will need to voice your concerns with love and allow him to see just how much this is hurting you and just how much you care about him. Bipolar people need lots and lots of encouragement and reinforcements from their spouse to ensure that they are in fact loved. The more you shower him with that love the more he’ll be able to respond to it and your pleas. I wish you the best. You have an awesome heart and your being here shows you want to salvage the marriage. I have faith that it can happen.
My daughter is engaged to a man with bipolar. He will not seek help. He calls her all kinds of names, won't let her get a job (because he says she will cheat on him if she works), brings up her past relationships and takes her cell phone when she is sleeping and sends texts to himself and says they are from another man. They have 2 daughters together. He tells her that all his friends think she is coming on to them. He starts a fight with her when she wants to go out with her friends. He is very controlling. Told her if she gets a job he will leave her. He has been married before and has 2 children with another woman. He has his 2 kids every other week. He was on medicine for awhile but goes off it when he starts to feel better. My daughter does not know what to do. She loves this man very much and for the last 5 years she has put up with his mood swings.
His mother is bipolar also. She cheated on her husband when he was very young and into his teenage years. Now he accuses my daughter of cheating and calls her a who--. She is getting very depressed and does not know what she can do to help him get help.
They are scheduled to get married next year. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her?
Thank you. for your support.