In love with a bipolar woman

I too got into a 5 yr relationship with a bipolar woman.  Bipolar to the extreme I might add.  I'm at my breaking point and only stayed in it as she has a 12 yr old daughter who really needs a parent.  I can't go on with the deceit and manipulations.  Her anger is violent, threatening, and severely damaging.  I try to understand that she cannot help herself, and she's not responsible for her own actions....but she is liable.  I've completely lost myself in this relationship, and I'm not getting any younger.  I keep thinking that I'll stay long enough to see her child into her teens, but I don't think I can make it.  This woman actually put me in jail by telling police that I beat her everyday!!!  They wouldn't listen to me as she's extremely convincing.  It cost me 10g between the attorneys and court fines.  I have to go......I just don't know how to.  Her kid depends on me for sanity, stability, and a roof over her head.  I'm a wreck and my own life has gone out the window.  I'm really stuck here and she's using her child as a pawn to keep me supporting her while she damages every relation that she has.  I need advice and I need it fast.  Thanks for listening.

Wow so many insightful comments.... I posted a comment earlier to this thread, speaking openly of my experience of being bipolar and in a relationship; where which things turned out very badly and we broke up, sadly another statistic. Yes, we can be so destructive of love.

I went into quite a depressed state after reading the statistics that 90% of our relationships fail, as I have fallen in with the 90 percenters. It's still very early days for me, my accepting my diagnosis is only a recent thing. You know bipolar really does effect us all quite differently apart from the highs and lows bipolar  has such a broad spectrum. With the right medication, therapies and a good dose of humilty it really does go a long way.

I often like to think people are like snowflakes. When you put a snowflake under a high powered microscope you can see how intricately different, how beautifull they really are. Amazingly not one is alike. To see this though you have to study it when you look only on the surfice you miss the beauty that can not be detected by only looking with your eyes.

I believe you have deeply studied your snowflake and you see the beauty and intricacy within hence all the confusion but you also see so many flaws that many could not or would not overlook. You know if you can salvage a realationship with your partner that would be wonderful but if you are a bruised read, if your soul is being crushed, should you break? That is entirely up to you for only you no what you can bare.

At the crux of every relationship no one wants to get hurt, no one wants to be gutted and have their heart ripped out. My grandmother was mentally ill but my grandfather loved her unconditionally. Was she destructive of this love? She certainly was but my grandfather was a very special man indeed he loved her and stayed by her side till his death. He was a 10 percenter. I still want to believe perhaps one day I too can switch and join the ranks of the 10 percenters; despite what statistcs say, or even what two doctors in particular exercising outside there feild of expertise (relationship counciling) may say.

Wesbbie12 don't be be afraid to get involved if you love this women. If she is as you said afraid of cheating she is not likely too. You just never know perhaps you guys will make it and be a 10 percenter. :)

Thanks for all of you who have shared you experiences with those of us who don't know what to expect - both the bad and the ugly...   

On an internet dating site - I found someone who matched up perfectly with me in almost every way..  Same beliefs, same interests, same values...  ...and as I began conversing with her, I discovered that she is remarkably smart, sweet, and charming - in addition to being stunningly beautiful and downright sexy...   ...but thankfully, she openly admitted to me up front that she is bi-polar, in addition to some other issues that she has, both mental and physical.

I still don't know alot about bi-polar - and am sad to see that it does typically not work out...  ...but fortunately I had two doctor friends tell me point blank that there was no way that I could marry her - or have a lasting relationship with her because of this terrible illness...   I am still having problems dealing with it (because 90% of the time - she is so sweet and kind) - and I just can't believe that there is nothing that I can do to change her and help her through this...

I know that I am sending mixed signals - for I in many ways have fallen for her and want to be with her...   ...But I also know that I cannot...   ...and for that I feel terrible...   

She admitted that she is worried that she fears being unfaithful to me (which I cannot tolerate (as this happened to me before)) - but as to this point in her life has kept the religious/moral conviction to stay clear of bad behaviour...   I keep thinking (and she keeps reassuring me) that she won't cheat on me - but seeing most of the thread here - it sounds like being cheated on is all but inevitable...

I almost was able to break off our relationship - but she threatened physical harm to herself...   ...and once I opted to converse with her to make sure she didn't try anything - I found myself being suckered back in  (I guess I needed to "man up" and make sure it was over - but she is so sweet and I enjoy her so much - I just can't see to end it)..

I'm sure that I need to end this relationship so that she doesn't get hurt (as well as myself) - but I just don't know how to do it and to make sure that she is ok...   ...again I care about her deeply and don't want to hurt her....

Am I right - and does anyone have any suggestions for delicately ending a relationship with a bi-polar person? Or should I just keep hope alive...?   Or is it possible to be a lifelong friend (my ideal if I can't have a relationship - but seems very hard for the non bipolar person)?      How would you proceed?

Hello I have read your story and I was touched by how you have stayed with her through the hard time with her illiness. I myself have bp and I wasnt properly diagnoised til it was almost to late. I am married for almost 9 years and three years ago my life changed. It is something they say I have always had but it wasnt notice til it was almost to late. I cant really understand how the other person in my life as of my family is effected by this. My husband has tried to handel my illiness the best way he can by being there and not leaving me when I am manic. He notices when I am about to become manic and he watches me 24 hours a day and waits for me to tell him I need to go to the hospital for help. The worst part is the feeling that no one is there for you cause even if its not true they dont understand what you are going through. You never can explain what its like cause you are not who you are when everything is good. Just hanging in there is the best medication there could be just trying to do the best you can get all the knowledge about bp is helpful. Yea there are times when you feel helpless and you want to run, at the end of the manic phase and there is the person who you trust and feel safe with is there to welcome you back is a feeling that you cant explain. The worst part for me is that my children have accepted that there mommy has to go to the hospital to get well and they dont cry anymore and dont question it they know I will be home soon and I am doing it for them. The only advice I can offer you having the illiness is if you love her and understand that she isnt always the person you feel in love with is that when you do have that person every now and then charish those moments and be there for her even when you are pushed to the ends of your mind and dont know what to do remember she isnt doing it to hurt you and she cant help all the emotions that are flooding her mind. Ask yourself how much love you have for her and in her time of sickness are you strong enough for the two of you.

What a ride... Thats all I can say after my relationship with a bi-polar woman has come to an end.  Everything everyone has said here mirrors my experience.  Anyone who thinks a relationship with a bipolar person can last, is fooling themselves.  The statistics are alarming.  According to Psychology Today, 90% of marriages that involve a bipolar individual end in divorce.  In my honest opinion, I dont believe that 10% are living a happy life.  I think the marriage is continued due to factors including children, religious beliefs or simply because the spouse of the bipolar person is not strong enough.  In other words, they allow themselves to be tormented because theyre weak.  My apologies if I sound harsh.  

These relationships usually start off with so much passion.  It feels like something out of a lovel novel.  They will tell you they love you more than anything.  They will make you feel on top of the world and the luckiest man in the world.  And then... they will tell you, its over.  I could write a book on what I went through with this woman but in the end the only thing that remained was a broken heart, confusion, and regret.  

My ex was diagnosed as being bi-polar 2 yrs ago.  In that time span, she must have broken up with me atleast 5 times and I reached out every time.  I was so, still, deeply in love with this chick.  She would tell me how sorry she was.  How she thought of me everyday.  How she regretted what she did, and how she would never do it again.  Not true.  She would be the sweetest, most caring, loving woman in the world but I would eventually see a side of her that was down right ugly - nasty, cruel, without compassion.  You cannot reason with this type of person.  Their sense of reality is truly distorted.

To anyone who is going through something similar, it doesnt get better.  Im sorry.  It wont.  Medication and therapy CAN help, but the disorder is too strong and it will always prevail.  My advise is run for the hills and dont look back.  If they were to contact you again, just remember everything they say wont last.  It will happen again and again and if you continue, you will wind up a broken, tired individual.  Take care.  

I am  still  trying  to  figure  out  what  happened  to  me.  I  met  the  most  charming, pretty  and  intelligent  woman  with a wonderful sense of humor.  We  dated,  had  wonderful  times  together,  then  we  began  saying "I  love  you",  each  of  us  said  it  and  I  meant  it.  But  I  fell  in  love  with a woman  who  I  did  not  know.  She was married for 20+ years, divorced and remarried a man who she had known for only a few days, then divorced him  because (she said)  he  locked her out of his room.   Our  courtship was the stuff of romantic novels, she called several times each day and said how much she loved me.   She  maintains  a  full  time  job  at  a  very prominent  professional concern.   We  made love,  she embraced me and repeatedly said "I love you, I love you!"  Being in love with a pretty  woman  who  is  in  a  manic  episode  must  be  something  akin  to  being  on  a  heroin  high.

There were symptoms  that  I  ignored because her manic condition  had me on a high too.  She  drank too much,   an entire   bottle of wine some nights, became intoxicated  often.  I  encouraged her to drink less,   I  thought  that we  never  had  a  disagreement,  but  she  says  that we did.  It was  so  insignificnt  that I barely  remember  it,  but  it  festered  in  her  mind, and it grew like  cancer  into  something  that  I  could  not explain  away.  She became  somewhat  withdrawn,  did not want to  see  me  as  often  but  said  that  she  still  loved me,  but  then  one day  she  called  and  told  me  that  she  never  wants  to  see  me  or talk to me  again.  I was left in shock,  truly  hurt,  it  was  so  cruel,  she  talked very  fast,  would  not  allow  me  to  say  a  word,  then  she  hung  up.  We  have  made  no  contact  since.

I talked to one of her children  who  told  me  that  she  is  bipolar.  This  problem  has  existed  since  her late teens  of  early teens.   I also learned that she  has  been  sexually  active  with  lots  of  men,  and  this  has  been  such  an  embarassment  to  her  children  that they do not  want  to  be  involved  with  her.    I  have  scheduled  tests  for  STD's.

If  you  make a connection  with a woman on an  internet dating site, be careful.  Maybe  there  are  no  other  bipolar women on these web sites, but  watch for signs  and  don't  get  caught up  in  a  manic  episode  as  I  did.

 Hi,

 I came upon this site in my ever widening search for that elusive answer to my question.. 'How can loving someone with bipolar be made easy?'

 I recently dated and fell in love with a bipolar man and found it impossible not to! This man had everything I could ask for and more as I find Bipolar seems to choose exceptional people. We had no 'honeymoon' period, we had no easy, carefree months others take for granted. Within a month of meeting, his symptoms of this leaching, life stealing condition raised their head, then continued to do so no matter how hard we tried to live 'the normal life.'

  Its oh so very hard to see and listen as the person you love most in the world sits there blind to your reasoning, to try to explain or give your oppinion when they have already made up their mind that their oppinion is right, without any room for negotiation. Oh of course I knew that it was not him that wouldn't listen but the bipolar inside blinkering all judgements but it doesn't take long before you have to re-evaluate your own life, thoughts, actions and speach to make sure these episodes don't get out of hand, yet they still do! Then the questions in your own head start, wanting to know if it is right that you do this huge compromise? That you don't act or speak as you would normally and that you consider their feelings above all others? Well yes its right! To truly love someone who is biploar is to compromise. To give your all and work so hard to make things right and make that 'normal life' with this person who had this cruel confusing condition thrust upon them.

 As a partner, we have this choice. We can walk away because it gets hard and sometimes feel impossible. Many people will walk away and should do so without guilt as this is not a condition that is easy to live and deal with! It will test you both to the max and then continue to do so for the rest of your lives. We get upset and we question why we were even there in the first place, question why you even try as it seems somedays to do nothing or make little impact, question ourselves and our own actions and struggle with self doubts and wonder how we can even be strong enough for one, let alone two... But then you  remember that person you fell for, the person you're trying so hard to make a difference for, the person that between episodes makes you feel like you're the most special person who has ever lived, the person you love so deeply... then you realise your meeting was no accident and that it can all be okay. It will take work. Working together, reading, researching and learning everything new you can from each down day and look more at the days of bliss and happiness that the bipolar did not touch with its icy fingers.

 Love, understanding and learning together can pull you through. It will never be the easy love story others take for granted but it will be a very special love story all of your own.

 We never made it to the end of our story, we got too hung up on what should be rather than what it actually was. So I'm hoping someone out there that may be having one of those days where its all black and you can't see any light, will read this and remember the special thing you have and ride out those storms knowing calm seas may just be on the horizon.

 Its not easy, nothing ever is but it can all be so worthwhile.

 x x x

Hi,

I am a bipolar II, bordering on cyclothymic man from the UK, I was effectively diagnosed with this condition about a year ago, although in many ways I had always suspected that it was what I had.

The many relationships and friendships I have had during my life now seem certainly effected in massive scale by this disorder, it is only now with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight that I can really appreciate all of the things I may have, without being in control of, put numerous caring and undeserving people through over the years.

All of the items on this site ring perfectly true, especially those dealing with the "perception of reality" that the bipolar sufferer has. I can state now that we don't mean these things we do, and during a period of episodic rage or irrational behaviour I have with felt cast iron certainty that what I have perceived to be an issue is a core problem and has no argument against, no matter how unfounded and based in chemical agitation it may be, I have not even stopped to read responses of loved ones, being single minded in my opinion that the parties concerned are out to get me for want of a better expression.

Take it from a sufferer, we can't be reasoned with when in the midst of an episode, even with all the damage it may do, the undiagnosed BP personality will treat everything that occurs as justifyable and will rationalise feelings based on perception of events that will be fatally skewed, even believing them for years afterwards to be true, if reconcilliation is not found.

In many ways I am deeply regretful of some of the actions I have undertaken, yet at the same time resigned to the fact that during my undiagnosed state I could do nothing about them and my thought process did not allow me to - for years I have felt that I was mentally disturbed and unable to cope with the everyday things life throws at me. But all through my undiagnosed years I knew that something was intrinsically wrong with how I was, which ultimately lead me to seek the real reasons and answers.

I feel nothing but sympathy for all of you on here who are struggling with the disorder both from a sufferers perspective and from a loved ones perspective. It is not an easy thing to deal with as it is so difficult to understand.

The most effective way I have of rationalising this curse, and it can feel like it is a curse with the question "why me" frequently occuring, is to treat it not as a mental disorder, but as an illness. If it is taken that is chemical in nature and not mental.especuially when, if you look carefully at the evidence and scientific rational behind why it occurs and what provokes it, it is definitely chemical and most likely an serious physical inability to regulate serotonin.

I am aware that with some physical diseases, such as Diabetes, if a patient goes low without taking insulin when required, they too can suffer from massive outbursts of rage, violence and non rational behaviour, but to their partners, it is easier to deal with as all you need do is inject insulin and the effects are rapidly countered.

In many so called normal people, when they drink too much alcohol, they too will behave in non rational ways, be violent, abusive and frankly stupid - but this is not called a mental disorder, its called being drunk.

Therefore it follows to me that maybe I get drunk on things that others don't, such as stress, worry and perception of reality.

Think of it like this - If I lost my legs and couldn't walk would you push my wheelchair ?

I am when not effected by this an incredibly sensitive person, and I have a deep love of thoses around me, with high moral values and an incredibly caring nature, I am intelligent, articulate, moderately talented in areas of interest to me, and understanding of others points of view, which in many ways is probably true of most BP sufferers, in this way it can often baffle yet provide the strength to those around us to keep on fighting for us.. Those moments of joy that we are capable of bringing can sometimes outweigh the moments of confusion and hurt. But without a diagnosis and an acceptance of the disease, it is almost impossible to take steps to fight it.

For the most part of my initial diagnosis, I was a single person, and I informed people that I was diagnosed with BP, but still effectively ignored it, thinking I could deal with it, and/or explain it. Episodes still occured, but the only negative actions I would take part in were those that hurt me or made me look foolish to the outside world.

I have now met someone, who with the knowledge of what I have, and with my own knowledge and determination not to let it ruin my life, has shown me that it is possible to survive a relationship. I have had one or two moments of episodic irrational outbursts with her, but she is determined to help me, understand and work with me to live a happy existance together. She is a truly wonderful person, and we will work together to fight this thing.

I am at present not medicated, I would prefer to diarise my feelings and try and spot the warning signs, it is too soon to say if this strategy will work, but I am optimistic. It may not work for more severe cases, but as I stated, this is physical not mental and the medication can be sought.

So my message is simple, don't give up on those around you who are BP, treat us with a pinch of salt when we go off on it, try not to get too drawn into our self obsessed single point view when we have an episode. Ignore us and gently help us to realise that with the correct management and corrective action there is a way for a happy existence. Reacting to us won't work, as we won't pay any attention to you, ignoring us will, as after each attack, we will come back down to earth - literally.

I appreciate that all forms of this disorder are not in many ways as easy to deal with, but don't give up.

Don't let us be your burden, see us for who we are, special and not always at the wheel of our bus.Embrace our difference, and we will - eventually appreciate it, love and understanding can conquer all - and although that sounds highly naive and simplistic, it is true. Once we realise your not out to get us, even if it means we have to write it down everyday, we will be yours.

I am not going to let this beat me, and I hope none of you do, it is possible to overcome. Keep fighting it !

G7

x x x

Hello, I am in the same situation and dont know where to turn to I know exactly how you are feeling and I want you to know that you are not alone. The sickness that our partners suffer from is so difficult to deal with and at times can bring us down to despair.

I sympathise with you as I know how much it must effect you when you find that she has been with other men. It is very hard to accept but from all I have read about Bipolar, that can be one of the things that they tend to do. It hurts us deep down and hard to accept that it is part of the Bipolar and at times cannot accept that it is happening to you.

We say that we love them deeply, but it is a matter of  - are we strong enough to accept all the behaviours we are faced with when they do have an episode.

It was nice to read that I am not alone and I am sure that by talking about what we are going through will help us in some way.  I am in my 50's and  I met a gentle wonderful man . We  are so in love.   He  woke up one day and said he wanted a divorce and he does not want to change his mind.  We are now seperated  from each other and he still loves me  but thinks that it is better to go ahead with a divorce. He refuses any help from me.

 It is very hard to deal with the BP partner when they just dont want to help themself.

 I feel I am strong enough to cope with having a husband with  BP but realize that it can take its toll on my health just like you feel.

It is a struggle when you know that you are so much in love but the sickness is destroying that love.

I love him, but it is very hard to cope with a BP sufferer. I am willing to help him, but what do you do when they don't want your help.